Last night I woke up with frogs all over me. FROGS! It was mental. Completely. I freaked out, as you do. After waking up I shook them all off and went back to bed. I woke up an hour later with frogs ALL OVER ME!! This time I jumped out of bed and ran around like I was on fire, screaming THE FROGS THE FROGS GET THE FROGS OFF ME!!!!!!!!!!! OH NOES!!!!!!!!!!!!! THE FROGS!!!!!!!!AARRRGGGHHHHH!!!!!!!!!. I decided to go to the bathroom to make sure all the frogs were off and calm my nerves. I came back to my room and turned on the lights, I checked everywhere for the frogs, but they all hid. Then I went back to bed. I woke up again only to realise that the frog ATTACKS made me jump out of bed so fast I pinched a nerve in my neck. For those who wear helmets on a daily basis, please be aware that pinched nerves in your neck cause EXCRUCIATING pain when wearing a helmet. I rode to work with my head on a 45 degree angle, I kid you not. I had Mexican food for dinner, guess what nationality is copping the blame for all this??

So it’s still Thursday and I feel like predicting what today’s (Friday) post will be. Something like this I imagine…
It turns out that playing Indoor Cricket and walking 5 km’s to work on a sprained ankle is not the best idea ever! I am in so much (future) pain! Ahh the pain…etc. Also, my lame co-worker won an Ipod and some binoculars! Such a joke. When I am I going to win something??

The title is misleading for the purposes of hilarity only. I briefly visited China (NSW) on the weekend and now I am ill. I mean thats the only possible way that I got sick. Riding aroung in torrential rain on my scooter without a shirt on or participating in that experimental Flu drug trial probably didn’t cause this illness. Definately China, maybe they could purchase it off me, just like America’s debt. Booyah! And people say I can’t do political satire!!

After 53 days, I got my scooter back. I mean it’s exciting, but it shouldn’t be.  No rejoicing should come from a sheer lack of incompetence, that’s all I’m saying. I know that sounds pessimistic, and well maybe I am, but I shouldn’t be happy just because someone finally did their job. It’s like if the people didn’t collect the garbage for 7 weeks and then they did. Sure, yeah that would probably justify rejoicing. But after the fact, you would seriously be wondering- why did they take so long to collect the heaping pile of garbage off my front lawn.

Scootergate day 29. Pain. Pain. Fail. I have been taking out my anger on this old black leather, high back office chair. I have decided to name him Harold. We have “bouts” quite regularly, well as often as I get angry, which quite frankly has been more often than not of late. My colleague created a small video called “Champion of the Chair” and has been thinking about trying to get a 4 picture deal from it. I’m not sure that it’s all that realistic to think that it can happen. When I tell him that, he always replies with, “You have to dream the dream, before you can be the dream.” That usually shuts me up.

Scootergate has hit like day 23. Things are BLEAK. Turns out they don’t believe in stocking any parts in Australia. ZERO PARTS. Why? WHY? I’m thinking next time I should just buy the Holden Commodore of scooters, that way I know they can always get parts, or I can steal them from a broken down one on the highway. So I have to spend the entire weekend at home again! Any ideas on how I could amuse myself? No, I didn’t think so.

Scootergate is really taking it’s toll. I looked in the cupboard today to realise that there was nothing in there that resembled a ‘meal’. Sure there were components- hot choc mix, peas and a giant candy cane- but nothing that could be even remotely assembled. I had pasta and mince, so I started boiling water, only to realise I had no pasta sauce. Things are that dire that I even had to walk to the shop for bread, which is no easy feat if you know where I live. Feels like I’m living back in mother Russia.

My friend said that “we will win 5 gold medals today”. I wanted to make sure I wrote that somewhere where people could see it. If this happens then surely this will be the greatest blog ever created! I mean it probably already is, but this would really validate my outlandish claims. Oh and I know what you are thinking..”why havent I see you around the traps lately???”.  That’s cause ScooterGate is up to like day 18. Yeah, I know.

I don’t have my scooter still, which is a darn shame. As they always say, “It is better to have scooted and lost, than to have never scooted at all”. It’s mainly a good reason for me to post scooter related hats. So if you are a religious person, could you please light a candle for Winnie Mcgee (my scooter) tonight.

Like they always say, “There is nothing like pushing your scooter across a busy road and then on a footpath for a kilometre to really start your day right”. I don’t know who “they” are but i think even they got it wrong this time. So I suffered from some scooter fail on the way to work this morning. It was kinda lucky that I was near where I get it fixed, but still no-one ever really wants to be pushing a scooter at 9am. Winnie ‘Scoots’ McGee has had a pretty good run and I think she really just needed a rest today, oh and maybe a pamper.